Borders

The book that I picked up from Borders today is not a sales item, but something I know will be helpful to me. Browsing through the "three for two" I can't help, making a mental "to buy list", yet another voice in me from my list and asked, "buy and read this books... for what?"

I'm such a task oriented and purpose driven person that, it's almost impossible for me to do something without. When it comes to books, I'm often, picky. I read books that is helpful to me, truth is, I seldom read for the sake of reading. Hence perhaps, I have read more non fiction than fictions. (excluding the lit text that is).

In a nutshell, I buy things to serve a function. But, me being me, with all my paradox and everything often up end in 2 results...

1] I often think through before I make my purchases, weighing every possible pro and cons, and striving to the best to make the most economical decision. (note that economical dun imply cheap, perhaps a purchase with more pros than cons). However, I still make SILLY purchases. Yes. The key and padlock necklace. But, heys I love it ok.

2] As much as I don't have that obession to embrace fiction, I do have my once in a while cravings, for "the silly witty meaningless" whatnots. I buy implusively as my heart calls.

In conclusion, before the "3for2" offers ends, I will grab a few copies of fictions from Borders. A bonus would be that, their covers are OH SO PRETTY.

I'm seriously a sucker for sale.

I am glad....

to say that at the rate that I am purchasing books, I am on my way to orgainising my books into categories of "Apolegetics", "Leadership", " Personal Growth", Fiction "General", "Classics" , "Plays", "comics" =))

I really enjoy buying books, because, when it comes to buying books, there is no such thing as a bad purchase. I heard that borders is having 40% sale... Shall head down soon, perhaps tomorrow.

If there is any collection that I am proud of, I really am proud of my books and cds collection.

Books collection is due to several reasons. Some books are the kind which you simply cannot just read them once, either they have too much information or they are simply such good reads. And some unintentional addition is due to the fact that I'm a Lit student and some books are compulsory reading. hehs. No complains though.

Today's entry is really dedicated to my books obsession, so I am going to name some of my collections in categories.... haha....

Apologetics - Case for Chirst - LEE Strobel
Case for Faith - Lee strobel
Who make God - Ravi Zacharias Norma Geisler

uhm... okay I'm getting abit too lazy to name the rest....
but some noteworthy ones.. which I got for superficial reasons (so that they look nice on my book shelf is...)
Bridget Jones Diary
A bend in the Road
My dilbert collections.... of which I actually gave away one book.. come to think about it.. I wonder why..>.<

Actually, I do enjoy them, looking nice on my bookshelf is just a bonus, yet a greatly appreciated bonus. Hahs!

At least I didn't buy shopaholics.

And so, the book fetish continues...

I'm thinking of suscribing to times again.... seriously regretted unsuscribing it.
And... perhaps, time to invest on some Jazz Cds too....
Always good to have more exposure.

Let me make it a point to invest more on soul food then physical food!

For superficial reasons, I might just get those chanel books from Kino.... haha...

And as I am typing this entry... I recall several people who borrowed books from me and have yet to return! =.=

Ardent longings.

A simple conversation I had with my maker, some time back....

Me: Did I screw it up?
Him: Yes you did
Me (Feeling really guilty) : HOW? What can I do?
Him: **silence**
Me: How?
Him: I'm with you
Me: Yes I know, so?
Him: I will take care of it.
Me: you sure?
Him: yes. I will do it with you. And I will see you through it.

There are days, I felt as if I could die from a major boo boo. There are days, when I screw up something so precious to me, I feel like killing myself. There are days when I want to shut myself from every single human being and just retreat to a corner with him.

And there are days, when my heart reminds me of an ardent longing for a tangible love. I ask him, how God? You love me, yes I know, but who is that someone who really love me in a way that I will feel love?

You know sometimes the way he love us through people is touching. Gifts, or affirmations from love ones.

But the best moment is, when he spoke to our heart directly.
Nothing beats affirmation and encouragement from him directly.

If you get what I say, good for you.
If you don't I hope one day you get it.

Random what nots...

Work ended at almost 3am today, I had ample time to read (a book) and write cards. Sometimes, work is really not that bad. I had a dilemma, I was hesitating if I should go for jog before turning in after work. A couple of things ran in my mind. I thought of Jessica Alba, how she worked off the extra calories through exercise, and I thought yea, I should burn off my extra calories too, yet upon reaching home and taking a look at the surroundings from the window, tonight seemed a little eerie. =.=

Hence, no jog.

But I seriously do want to get into some fitness regime. Deep in my heart, I'm desiring a decent canvas for couture. And karl lagerfed says, Fashion is the healthiest motivation for weight loss. He himself, lost 20pounds (if i'm not wrong) , so that he will pull off his favourite valentino suits.

Superficial?

Alright, let's just say that, I want to be healthier so as not to get myself into health problems, and looking better is just a bonus.

Sound better?

There is a perfectionist in me, that will soon be awaken.

*horrified*

Am I surprise?

No. Coz I had always loved that pyschopath in Jan burke's "flight". One of my all time favourite thriller. The pyschopath had an obession with neatness and precision.

Sometimes, I wondered if I got split personality.
Perhaps, I'm just not boring.
Or...temperamental will be a better word.

Beauty and her many faces

Regrets and it's emotional scarrings has it's way of tormenting the soul. Should we have evaluate, resoluted and decided to move on. We cannot deny pain. Hence, who's who to say what's what, I'm not saying that when I had moved on, I dun feel remorse or the more typically term "bad", but what can feeling bad do? Should such feelings of guilt and "bad" affect future performance, the question is why still hold on?

Heard of beauty from pain?

And there is the creative arts.Creative arts, is made to transcend beauty. Songs, music, plays, novels, dance. Arts, has it's way of captivating and comforting. Our relentless pursuit for beauty, for everything that the soul crave and covet for, is manifested upon the many artworks. Images, sounds, a thousand and one sensations. The heart wrenching tragedies to the dark gothic. Beauty and it's many faces.

The fallen nature of human beings, has it's way of being attracted to beauty, even when it's deviant. Our heart, has it's way to flirt, embrace, connect with beauty. The word, i'm searching for is... indulgence. Yes...

Beauty and our heart.

"The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" Jeremiah 17:9

And of course, the subject in matter "beauty and it's many faces" could be developed and discussed in great length, however today, I just want to make a point that..
It's not difficult to love beauty, even when it's illegitimate, O heart, stop deceiving yourself.

This is a generation lead by it's heart. People stop thinking what is right. They feel what is right.

What happens, when feelings goes so wrong?
Perhaps that's when your heart fails you.
Man, O man, why, so helpless, when held convict by your very own being?

The next time you feel so proud that you feel so good, question again, what is there to be proud of? Is it even legitimate?

When darkness turns to light...

"When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It’s too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight. "

All american reject's "It ends tonight" is the song, that keeps playing in my head tonight. I haven't really listened it for it's meaning, I just like the flow of words and song... Sometimes the things about songs is the music and the heart that link, somehow, it's okay that the head don't get anything. You get me?

I was working, towards the really wee hours like 1am++ there's pretty much nothing to do, I decided to read my bible. I decided to read again, the card that slot there for eons. I'm once again touched by the love and sincerity from the card. Of which, I didn't really feel as much at point of receiving. I'm so mean to her, but she still cares. Sometimes, I should learn to appreciate instead of complaining =X

Chantel will learn to cherish and appreciate.

To no one in particular

Here is something for no one in particular.
How are you?
I wonder what are you doing right now.

You never really loved me, yes I know
For you, I've cried many nights, no you don't know.
Remember the times when we walk those roads in wordless whisper?
The resounding silence that speaks from your heart, empty.

You can't and don't love me anymore.
It's okay you know.
Just let me know.
I will still love you.
Perhaps yes,
Perhaps no,
I don't know.
You are afterall no one in particular.

Are you a stranger or a dear friend?
Perhaps you don't care,
perhaps you do.
Does it matter?
I don't know, you are no one in particular.

Does all this sound a tad queer?
Why?
I'm afterall writing to no one in particular.
And I hope you get me.
No one, ya?

Jazz

The thing about Jazz is, I like jazz. I like jazz like espresso. I like jazz like vanilla latte. I like jazz with espresso, with vanilla latte. I like jazz at an age when people around me don't appreciate jazz, theBestie, calls me a weird kid. She always call me a weird kid. But I still like jazz. I still like jazz with espresso. I like the aroma of espresso, and the sound of jazz. I like people who like jazz, coz they can share with me their collection.

Yes, I like jazz, and tonight is a night of jazz.

Where my mind takes a break, where imaginations flutter...

The past few hours had been grueling, many agendas in my mind and work. I prayed admist working. Pray and pray. I am somewhat reminded of the prayer that I had made a few days ago... "Lord, humble me and use me". Of which I think he did, whatever that I am embarking on, will be humanly difficult, almost impossible, I need him and his anointing. So much wisdom required. Circumstances and situations, so tricky, way beyond me. I was once this emotional wreck who abandons everything and hide, embraced escapism as if that is the only way. When 2006 ended with many reconcilations and answered prayers, I expected new challenges to come, and yes they have arrived. Paradox, the somewhat even more challenging challenges, but Chantel is not hiding this time.

Before daybreaks and a crazy day starts I shall treat myself to some jazz, no espresso though, coz I would need to sleep.

I felt as if I had matured. A lil bit. The way words flow from my mind.

I've somewhat learnt to be, less harsh, on myself and people around me. I am learning too to slow down. Often times, I sprint through events, I seemed to neglect people and things around me. The thing about me is, I often look ahead, so focus ahead, I forget about my cheerleaders, or at times sprinted so fast, I crashed into huddles that I'm suppose to jump over. To have bruised and hurt myself, I've learnt to not run so fast. Slow down Chantel, slow down, remember, that this is a marathon, your one audience is watching, and he is patient.

Leading worship for CG this week, leading worship for Gideon's meeting, guitar lessons with Daniel Leow, I pray that all this will work out fine. This week, focus, worship must be sincere.

Jazz and Him =)

Ciaos

Reflections.

There could perhaps be 101 things that I can blog about. I cease to want to define a intent for this blog. Perhaps, choleric, as I am, I need to see a purpose in the things I am doing. Yet, the melancholy sanguine me, in conflict, delights in the meaningless silly stuffs... I've been thinking alot lately about myself, my stuff.... things I like, why I like. I concluded that, there is no reason for me to like something, if I like it, I like it, to give a reason for everything nitty gritty that I fall insanely head over heels for, is too troublesome, cumbersome. Hence, when one asked me recently, why the sudden fascination over Chloe paddingtons, I've got no idea how or when, I just like it very much.

Saturday night, I had one of those lovely nights walking home, adoring him once again. I don't know why, but that is the road that I often travel to and fro, on different days, my heart sings a different tune. Saturday night, was a night of love and assurance, I was captivated by his beauty and held my his love. Held your love, is still my favourite song, it becomes my personal prayer. There is something about my maker, that nothing in this world can replace. Amazing night.

Sunday's CTM, I made a dilligent effort in taking now, Pastor Ben's sharing. Truth is, I'm not such an enthuasiatic note taker, not a very good one either. But that sharing, I took notes, and bold some points, for personal reference. I have perhaps seen another breakthrough in my own personal life.

"We are not created by accident"

That is one of the point that I bolded, an all encompassing sentence that all that we are doing and have done or even will be doing, will not be in vain. Each "wonderfully and fearfully created" is loved by his "everlasting love" and had their life planned by him. To have someone, who loves me so much planning my life for me, I am so much more secure. A friend once commented that at the rate that I'm commiting to church, I will not be able to embrace my hope and dreams in future, the way she said it is, I will have no future. What an ridiculous statement! What is hope and dreams without him? If we are not commited to him, we will be commited to something else, but what else, is really worth that kinda commitment besides our very own creator? If I'm unsure about anything, one thing that I'm sure is, my hopes and dreams is safe with him, for he knows me best, and he never fails. Never.

Oh so pretty Chloe Paddingtons!!




Love. Many love. Many many loves.....

I first saw them like a year ago? I like them.
A year later, I begin to really love them. ^^

I know it's skin deep. But sometimes, skin deep is simply too pretty to resist. Haha!

Helplessness

Helplessness
noun
1. powerlessness revealed by an inability to act; "in spite of their weakness the group remains highly active"
2. the state of needing help from something
3. a feeling of being unable to manage
from dictionary.com

This is the word that comes to my mind, as I saw my rabbit stand up in anticipation today. In a way, she look so cute, but as I look again, it's more than just cute, I see helplessness. I ran out of rabbit food, and I forgot to buy. (no worries, I will not starve her, and that is not the point) The truth about my rabbit is, she is in such a helpless situation. In a way, she have no control over, when food or water is given to her. She have no control over when affection will be shown to her. A life that is so dependent upon her master. My mind then drifted to some other situations around me, I recalled the helpless people around me, I feel a sense of burden for them. Their inability to make wise decisions for their own good or even to protect themselves is worrying. Some, don't even know that they are helpless. The way they drift through life, it brings heartaches to me.

For me? There are days when I feel helpless too, as if I'm at the mercy of circumstances and situation around me. But the gentle reminder from the Holy Spirit comforts and assure me that I am not alone. I'm about as vulnerable to any stress or hurts and that anyone could be prone to, but I thank God, for him, that I can always seek refuge from him. Sometimes, I feel as if, it's so unfair, coz he had loved me so much more than I love him. Yet, I'm too reminded that, he is greater than me, even his heart is so much more gracious than mine.

This is him who says,
"Never will I leave you, Never will I forsake you" Hebrews13:5b"
Never, FYI, is a absolute term.

Isn't it amazing?

The more I know him, the more I seek him, helplessness loosens it's grip on me.

Last night, as I worship, I caught a glimspe of fleeting beauty, yes fleeting, it pass by so fast, yet so beatiful. I remember beauty chase again. Beauty chase, never ends, beauty chase, seeks after his glory, his holiness. Beauty Chase stands in awe of him...

*Beauty Chase ~

New template.

Somehow the abundant white spaces delights my heart. I love space. Simplicity. Yes.
And strawberries too....

Keyboard lessons in a while's time. I am so every excited. ^^

Dreams

or rather, to be without it.
Today, I met a kid without dreams, no hope for future.
It's scary.
I cannot imagine.
He is so different from me.

Held by your love

The song that is ringing in my head throughout the whole day.
I decided to blog, since my hair is still wet, that is, I can't play the guitar.

"I’m held by your love
I’m held by your love I’m held by your strength
On your shoulders you bored me
By your faith I’ll stand"

I'm eager to worship him with this song later....

I had a brillant time shopping alone in town today. I am really someone who delights in doing things alone, coz I can move at my own pace, look at things I like, daydream, ponder, yada yada. I checked out the prices of keyboards, like finally. The next step to claim the bible verse "ask and you will receive" haha... Oh man, my lessons are starting, I really need the keyboard.

I'm such a greedy person, walking into kinokuniya, I so wanted to buy many many books, but I have to stop myself and remind myself to "economise to evangelise". Yes must really learn to spend money wisely. Anyways, share somthing interesting, I pick up a book, after I put it down, I pick up another one, I put it down and begin reading another one. As I was reading that third book, I saw aother person coming towards my shelf, and she pick up the same book I picked up, after that she picked up the same book that I picked up at the second time. haha...
Guess what is the book that is so popular?
It is...
CHANEL.
Both book are about Chanel.
Actually all three books that I read is about Chanel. Hurs
And mind you, it's not so much about the materialism, it's about the story. I am amazed by her and what she stood for. Always am. You want to know more? Read up yourself lor...
=)

Kino vouchers for Chantel anyone? haha
Yes if you want to get me a gift, please give me kino vouchers!

Tomorrow will be a long day. Ciaos

Reflections.

I woke up at 1pm today. Shocked. I read an sms, it was from debbie, she ask me to give a morning call at 10am. I check my clock again, I thought the clock spoil. I sms deb, and ask her is it really 1pm alr? And she replied me a while later, indeed.

I chose not to go out today, though there is a few errands to run. I told my mom, that my mind is set on not leaving the house today, except for work in the later part of day. And so, the rest of day was spent on the guitar, reading and reading somemore, listening to Ravi and reading up some profiles from wikipedia. Actually I read up more on Richard Dawkins. His hosility towards theology, especially poignant in "God Delusion", made his agruments less sound. For a lit student, I will inspect his tone, which I conclude to be somewhat implying a certain childishness in him. Seriously. I'm still at the very first few chapter of the book, I'm very excited to read on, and I'm almost quite certian, it will defintely take more than this book to make me denouce my faith. Yet, my intent in reading on is 1) I spent more than 30bucks on it. 2) I really want to know what goes in the mine of intellectual skeptics. I want to go beyond questions of "why the bible didn't talk about dinosaurs or how many stars.." haha

I had a 30min jog after work today. It was a rather refreshing one. I had a talk with God, and I'm reminded of the purpose of the leader is to serve. I'm looking forward to serving my members in a greater level.

I kiss dating goodbye - God Delusion

As my journey with"I kiss dating goodbye" by Joshua Harris, is coming to an end, I'm on my way to embark on a new adventure throught "God Delusion" by Richard Dawkins. Personally I really like "I kiss dating goodbye" because of it's sincerity and it's dedication in being God centered in relationships.

"Above all things, guard your heart for it's the wellspring of life.", that could be one of the most popular verses that is become cliches. It was a verse that was smsed to me, when I was sharing with another about chilling with another friend over vodka. It's really not some much about how ever big, how ever small something is, but your heart, that what are you feeding your heart today. Our implicit and explicit responses. Often, we cringe over a boo boo the physical mistake that we have made, but have we become too lenient with the boos boos we make within our hearts? Guarding our hearts, covers many areas of life, beyond BGRs, we should all make it point to guard it, in ALL AREAS. Because the heart is often deceitful. And so, it's always good to question our own responses to things around us. And before we manifest our responses outwardly, really inspect, our intent in doing such an action.

I have mix feelings towards "God Delusion". But since, it's a bestseller, it would mean that many christians or non christians would have read it. I am often baffled by how, people can accept the fact, that there is no creator. Perhaps it's time to find out why.

Melancholy overture.

A tune playing in my head, a prelude.
The melancholy overture
Over and over again.
Deftly, despair conducts her orchestra,
the chords in minor,
Staccato, Legato,
Forte...

A song written in my heart.
An eternal gift of love and appreciation.
A love song engraved in my heart,
melodies from Heaven,
compose by my maker.

Tonight the melancholy overture runs in my heart,
the song of love plays in my heart.
A duet.
Do you know that my heart cries
as I say I love you?
Sweet. Bittersweet.

Chantel.T